Change

We haven’t flown since 2019, the pandemic put an end to that and so many other aspects of our lives.  I can’t complain. Truth be told, the storm that just passed wasn’t too hard on Sofie and I but I’d be lying if I said we went unaffected.  I find myself now on a British Airways Dreamliner, heading towards the unknown; ok not completely unknown but in my experience even the best laid plans don’t hold a candle to consciousness.  We’d discussed reorienting our lives at least two times over the last decade and I think the covid-19 pandemic provided a realization that the things holding us back, the things we were afraid to lose, could be taken from us anyway, arbitrarily and unexpectedly.  Our response to the fear and uncertainty of these last two years was to travel the world.  To experience the fullness of life, to seek out new places, step off the route that we had planned for ourselves and see what else is out there. 

I learned from my father to always stay on trail, it’s safer and the experience is comfortable and beautiful.  I’m thankful to him for showing me wild places and how to navigate them safely but I’ve learned that the most engaging experiences exist off trail.  In 1989, at 33 years old he and my mom moved to England with 5 children to start a ministry.  Our experience will be very different from theirs but I believe Sofie and I are following in those footsteps.  It took us almost 10 months to uproot our lives but we’re here now traveling 619mph at 40,000 ft; headed for Heathrow.

               I’ve been reflecting over this past week on change as we’ve been spending time with my brother on the East Coast.  We decided to leave last summer and immediately went to work.  It’s been a whirlwind and a “herculean task” as my friend John put it.  I didn’t assume it’d be easy but damn, I didn’t expect it to be this hard.  Getting our property situated, our belongings packed, unplugging from work, phone, insurance….our pets.  If things went smoothly it would have been a lot of work but then wrenches were thrown in the machine time and time again.  I feel like we made it to Washington bruised, bloodied, battered; but we made it.  The point is, we haven’t had time to really reflect on the gravity of our decision.  Even now, we jokingly ask each other, “is it real yet?”  Our week in Washington was the perfect pause.  A much needed moment to breath before getting on the Camino de Santiago and the adventures to follow.  We didn’t plan it that way, but a recurring theme over this past year is that things work out just right, and often better than we planned in the first place.  Originally my brother and sister-in-law were going to adopt Kiowa and Remmy, our two dogs.  We had planned to leave Riverside and drive cross-country, we figured two weeks in Maryland would be enough time for the dogs to acclimatize before we left to Europe.  Well, our Kiowa is 13 years old now and after a bad couple of days we realized taking her from Riverside just wasn’t going to be good for anyone.  We switched gears and our parents agreed to adopt our pups.  Two great things happened with this switch that we hadn’t planned for.  One is that my parents who are now in their 60’s are even more active than before, having dogs that need walking.  Leaving our dogs was easily the hardest part of our decision, especially knowing that there’s at least a decent chance that Kiowa may not be there to greet us on our return.  Seeing my parents up early with them, taking them up Mt. Rubidoux and having them there to bring life to the house was a blessing.  I had only considered the responsibility, the burden, of having dogs but failed to foresee the positive impact they would have on my parents.  Then there was our time in Washington.  Our flights were already booked and we wanted to see Luke and Ali but as the time got closer and the stress mounted we began to recognize our time in Washington was not just as a visit but truly a time to rest, recover, and gear up for our journey.

               This change has been hard, even though it’s exciting there’s no question that we’re both scared as well.  We’ve lived comfortable lives, we have a beautiful home, steady employment, great friends and family close by.  We didn’t leave because someone forced us to or because we didn’t like it where we were.  We both just felt something pulling us strongly in this direction and I can’t speak for Sofie, but I felt that life is so short I wanted to see the world while we were young and put ourselves in a position to experience another life; a life within a life as it were.  I don’t know exactly how this journey is going to play out but even if we’re only gone a year and head back to Riverside I know it’s going to be a life changing and long lasting experience. This experience so far has been a positive one, we’ve stripped down to bare essentials and removed the distractions of everyday, career-oriented lives.  It’s left us bare, with our relationship to each other and our relationships with ourselves in the spotlight.  Putting our marriage at the forefront of our focus is something I’m proud of and an opportunity I’m extremely grateful for.  My grandparents were married 64 years, my parents have been married over 40 years now and if there’s at least one thing I want out of this life it’s a long healthy relationship with Sofie. 

I’m convinced that an opportunity to spend unbroken, focused time with her will be worth more than any financial or tangible item that this trip will take from my future.  We spent some real quality time this week, having coffee in the rain and catching up on 10 years of distance with an old friend, playing cricket with my brother in the tennis court by his home, running with him in the rain at 6am before his big meeting and spending time with Ali and their dog Wilby, their first dog together and seeing how much joy he has brought to their house.  We also cried this week, missing our dogs and some of the comforts of home.  I struggled with an immediate lack of purpose and learned about myself that I enjoy projects and goals – the feeling of being productive.  This change has brought a whole spectrum of emotion, I’ve caught myself tearing up with goodbye’s that seem more lasting than usual and noticed the gravity of the fleeting nature of time is just that little bit heavier than before.  For now, we’re approaching the future with hopefulness and excitement but I believe the reverberations of loss are still being felt strongly by both of us as well.